Interlude: Rules Writers Follow

I've been reading Deanna Raybourn's delightful blog, Blog A Go-Go, for the past couple of days. Although she and I probably have opposite temperaments and habits, I still get an awful lot of vicarious pleasure reading her posts. Somedays I wish I did have glamorous red nails, an actual hairdo, and the ability and gumption to wear high heels. Mostly I like reading it because she can write the spines off a porcupine.

In one post, she created a list of rules she learned as a Southern girl. There are many similar lists out there about Southern belles, but hers is the one I enjoyed the most. It seems most real. In any case, it inspired me to create a list of rules writers follow.

Rules Writers Follow*

1. Writers take showers every other day at most, to save time getting to their keyboards. An incidental benefit: the water conserved helps curb the waste of environmental resources.

2. Writers don't wear shoes. Except maybe when they are forced to leave the house to pick up groceries or a movie or something equally important. Slippers are a-okay any time of the day.

3. Writers don't spend a lot of money on manicures. For one thing, long nails will be worn down by typing. For another, unmanicured nails are perfect for gnawing on when stuck or nervous or overcaffeinated.

4. Writers drink coffee for breakfast and lunch. Then they maintain on cheese, chocolate, and bread products until dinner. Skipping meals is not a dieting tactic, nor is it a timesaving device. They simply forget everything else in their state of caffeine bliss.

5. Writers do not make eye contact walking down the street. Instead, they hurry to the local coffee joint, holding on to their laptop bags protectively. Though they may stare at the cracks in the sidewalk, you'd better believe they're shooting sideways glances at you, memorizing your appearance and habits for later literary use.

6. Writers do not wear anything stylish, ever. Finding objects of style would take too much time away from online roleplaying. Plus, they know they would look like crap all dolled up. Best to look like crap with the appearance of not caring enough to try. Think Peter Jackson. Even better, there are talented people who can make themselves look fabulously hideous. Think Johnny Depp during one of his awful personal fashion phases. (I wanted to plug in a photo here for example, but even in the terrible ones, he still looks so pretty!)

7. Writers use everyone they know or have ever met in their books in one way or another. (In disguise, of course.) If you can't put that vegan woman with skin like phyllo sheets who talks too loudly in public on her cell phone about the results of her latest gynecological exam in your book, what's the point of her?

8. Writers don't drink. Alternatively, they drink too much. Doesn't it seem like that's the way everyone drinks: not at all or to excess? Or is that just me?

9. Writers stay in constant contact with family and friends--and anyone else who knows their email address--by compulsively checking their email, Facebook, MySpace, blog, and website accounts at all hours.

*In case you hadn't figured it out, these are not necessarily rules writers follow, but habits I have. I know, disgusting.